You Were Sandpaper On My Mind

I could feel desire
I wanted desperately the love
Yet I am in the acquiescence to no love
I consciously ended my relationships this week
I am embracing no more relationships these last four months
Of existence
I don't have the time to brush the sand off your body

But as I thought about the problem
It became a challenge
I would have to be gentle as the wind not to chafe your skin
I knew a lot of your body would be relieved
And cool to the touch
But some of the crevasses would be resistant

And uncomfortable at the touche of a masculine hand

A bath and a sponge was the inevitable conclusion
Yet there would be the problem
Of my arousal
How was it possible to touche you
And not desire you
It was merely my intention to comfort you
And now I am consumed with the thought of your lips

My Dream

Is not for an underwater nymph
But it is for the warmth and comfort she might bring
There is even comfort in the wafting of her garb
There is intention in her underwater stroke
And I am consumed by her presence
My heart is open to her
As if by design

She comes to me as if
The air bubbles caressing her body were for me
I know they are not
It's just they feel like they should be
I feel like I am suffocating
I am confused by desire
I know I am very hungry

I want not
I draw my heart back into it's shell
I am comfortable here
I am tired of the unending pain in my heart
I have desire to breath the bubbles floating over your body
Yet I am not confident of their sustenance
I think I know of their lack of nurture

The Burning Flower

Fire on the rim
The burners were feeding with gas
The flame had that gaseous intensity
I knew the flame would burn me
It's just that it was surreal enough to suggest otherwise
Mesmerizing in the hue of needle point leaves
Unveiled by evolving fire

My soul was alive with the burn
I could feel with a fire of intensity
Things I never felt before
The burn energize my soul
Things weren't empty as they were
The flames were in my iris
I was dilated in the effervescence

As I looked into the mesmerize
I could feel the ever increasing crescendo
I could feel the fire engulfing the edges of my heart
The intensity of of my heart was as if I loved
Yet there was so much more
My heart beat was running away with me
My heart was enlarged

I Am Barely Alive In The Milieu

Now and then
Now I am still alive
Not for much longer
I have made the transition to no more
I have achieved the transcendence of the last season
I have lived through my last spring time
I am so unbreakable

People think this is a time of quiet desperation
They think of suicide as a last frantic moment
But there is no fearful moment
There is no acquiescence in the end
There is only getting on with it
The hard part of it wondering if I will have courage
But I have always been a warrior

And I hunger for it
I need the resolution
I have experience it all
And I have found it wanting
The days repeat endlessly
And I can taste the blood on my lips
I know the difference between desperation and intention

There Are Wilted Flower Pedals

It was early Sunday morning
Some forty years ago
It was a lazy sleep in kind of morning
But I was up and about
I had seen Janis Joplin the night before
At the Avalon Ballroom
And her song Summer Time filled my heart

I remember taking the cable car
To the old bohemian
Jack Karouac section of the city
I was meeting some fellow chess gamblers
To hopefully make some money
My women was on her way to the Off Broadway
Where she was about making money

That night if we were lucky
We would have dinner on Polk Street
Just around the corner from our apartment
We would walk home through

The hoards of male prostitutes
It was always a surreal scene
We would fall into bed with effervescence

Caring

I have become the canvas of life
I am the grey dawn against which it happens
The sweetness of the apricot's cause salvation
I provide the highlight for the wing span
And I am the gentle caress that supports the peck
Sometime I resent being the canvas for this
Sometime I want the joy of the kiss for my lips

But I am at that time

I am beyond the time of loves caress
I am in the time of loves transcendence
I am a facilitator
I am knowledgeable
It's just that I exist for the love of others
Some of us are for the lives of the other
This place is hard on me
I can see what works and what doesn't
And my heart wants their happiness
And I am crazy sad to know their truth
Before they do
As a failed lover
This my slice of the failed lover's hell

I Can See

Into you
The light radiates from our beings
Their exists a bond I have never known
More than attachment
Greater than love
I swoon in the light of the transcendental
I am connected and not

Possessiveness rarefies
Those that know the truth will not tolerate atrophy
Love lives in the see through
It thrives in the temperateness
It exists in the transition through
It is time specific
It lives mostly in the now

There is wonder in the freedom
There is absence of obligation
Yet I have never been in this realm of responsibility
I feel like a child and an adult at the same time
There is the awe of the magic
And there is the wonderfulness of the responsibility
And direction is me

Eidetic Memory

Fixating on a focal point brings images into existence
It is possible to accurately draw with the eyes closed
The details and the images maybe rendered accurately
From the back of the eye lids
I have done this many times
I am adept in the rendering
I have learned the transcendental

My father was at the barbecue
My mother was setting the picnic table
I could see them as vividly as the iridescent blue pond
The pond lapped at the grass reeds
My father was flipping burgers
My mother was looking at me and smiling
It's just that the eidetic was on the back of my eye lids

I used to practice eidetic memory tracings
As a boy
These memories are suppose to dissipate over time
But I can close my eyes at any moment in time
And see the horror in their eyes
I know this was not the original memory
What I remember now is disturbingly different

Boils On Life

Do boils magnify or merely highlight
When many are in unison do they colonize
Does the force and effect externalize
Does it become more than what is
When they coalesce
Is there cosmic harmony
What is the order

When unison is in predetermined harmony

And order and balance are disorder
Then chaos is the norm
I can't entertain the duality of possibilities
I am pounded by waves of chaos
They have exploded my soul
The assertion that there is hope seems empty

But am I wrong
And does it matter
What is the philosophical conundrum
Order or not
Meaningfulness or meaninglessness
Isn't there a place of choice
What about acquiescence in time

Reflections

My thoughts manifest in the actions of others
They respond to what they see
Sometimes they look at my truth through stilted eyes
And they are more aware of what is there's
Rather than what is mine
But to know me
They need to back flip into a different space

Turning things inside out is sometimes
Easier said than done
Have you ever consumed upside down cake
Do things taste different
When you consume the heart first
Why not start with the gusto
And work to the epidermis

On the other hand what would it be like
To always have access to the big picture
Would we be deprive of the odd
Would we not know the defiant
Nor would we know how much of everything
Is built on the building blocks
Of unconnected bits

Life Smiles

There are two of us adrift on the sea
We seem to be the only ones breathing the sun
We are still in the swig of radiant effervescence
My heart trawls in the knowledge of us
Though I have long ago
Embraced my oneness
I have closed my eyes and jumped into love

Why the merge now
Am I not still in the twilight of isolation
What is this transitional door
That binds me with the mud of the transcendental
When I know the loneliness of being adrift
In the sea of loneliness
I am happy in the darkness of this place

Is this just an illusion
Or do I share the beauty of nature
I think love is merely an illusion
What's only in my eyes
Cuts my belly
In a sweeping motion
And my blood spills to the floor

Falsehoods

You live in the forest of the ethereal
Your heart is held together by the paste of cob webs
Fantasy and facade are your life's activity
You engage in the poetry of life

This makes you feel informed and special
Yet you are mad
I am relieve to know your thinking is way over there

You paint the truth as it is not
You're happy with half truths that illustrate not
You plead stream of conscious confusion
You say your connected to a greater consciousness
That you are merely a conduit
But I can see the corruptness and confusion
And your confusion exists in a black discipline

You are icy with perversion that looks like truth
The trees are bent in the abnormal
You live in the perverse
And you think you can control the winds of thought
Yet there are some of us that breath thought
And know the dysfunctional
There are some of us who know who you are

Transparency

You live in pastures of gold

There is a gentle breeze on this day
The sun permeates your wings this afternoon

And I can see the light in your shadow
There seems a tint of blue in your tracings
And my imagination is fire

Seeing your veiled evocative silhouette

How is it you tantalise
Why do you matter so much
Why do you paint my horizons with joy
What is this end I dream of
Why is there so much hope in no more
Why is the dream 0f conclusion
Appeal to my fancy

I love the feeling of silk on your shoulder
I caress the joy and beauty in our last moment
Beauty before death
Beauty before no more
Such ecstatic joy
Yet what if I had to do this with you
I simple couldn't

Life And Maybe Death

Before there was a crystal there was a rock
Before there was a bird there was a lizard
Before there was a flower there was a plant
Things are always in change
Nature is always driving us into beauty
But there is also the oblivion
Things also fall apart

Love lifts our hearts in the beginning
It dashes us on the rocks in the end

Waves drag us out to sea in the conclusion
The battering can kill us
Some of us can't adjudicate this conflict
And we drown
Yet some of us adapt and we evolve

Whether to join the beauty or to decline it
Is the question
Is the evolution palatable or distasteful
Is the conundrum
Is the joy of love worth the hours of pain
In the awakening
Is it better to decline the embrace

Times Change

There are tracings of what was
Sometimes we can see yesterdays moments
Maybe it's a look over the shoulder

Maybe it's the absence of eye liner
Maybe there is an ivory paleness
But more than that
Maybe it's that you're reminded of much more

What is the anomaly that takes us beyond
And just where does it take us

When we seem to remember more than was
Just where do we go
Was there an embrace
Was there a connection
Why do we feel awake in our cacoon

Why does the floor undulate

I choose to believe the not so obvious truth
That I was there
Maybe I loved this women
Maybe I loved this woman once
Maybe we had coffee together
And just maybe she broke my heart

People Say I Will Burn In Hell

The fire is in my belly now
The coal of existence burns my soul
And destiny is on the horizon
That which warmed my heart is no more
Residue faintly remains
And that which was
No longer heats the cockles of my heart
The ashes of existence blow in the wind
I can see them buffered in the trees
The occasional wind combs them into the fire
I can remember my fierce independence
And the strength of my heart
Yet my bowl is today full of empty values
And my heart burns in fiery pain

The sun is here again this morning
Another day of the epilogue falls away
I expect the pain of what is to continue
And the fateful day continues to come
And there is no stopping deaths dynamic
Yet I can take charge of it
I can make it mine

The Promise

I am a member of a very private club
I have had my children taken from me
They have both forsaken me for their mother
The pain of this place is unbearable
And for more than a decade I have survived this
And try as I might I don't understand
Finally I choose deaths embrace

It all remains unbelievable to me
The joy that was mine has been dashed into the rocks
The purpose and meaningfulness that clutched my heart
Is no more
The only conclusion available to me is that
I am responsible for this
Yet I don't know how this happened
Even though the finger nails rake my chest
And the blood drips to my side
The pain has become unbearable
And I am on my knees
And rationalize as I have done
The fact is I have lost my joy

My last hope is for oblivion

Attraction

For me there is a broad space between
Me and the other
I am truly isolated
I have lost the magic of the synthesis
Actually I no longer have the need for procreation
I think there remains the desire for love
Although I don't know

When I remember the joy of the merge
There is only nostalgia
I can go through the process
Yet there is little more than ejaculation
And I remain empty of love
Sex without love
Hell on earth

I feel the beauty
In the butterfly wings dissipating
I remain attracted by the colors in her wings
But I know the dissolution
And I am more interested in floating away
Rather than being in the thrall
Of the other

Light Pours In

The sun's spot light hi lights existence

Sewing rivets into what passes for reality
Existence is stapled
For a time there in continuity
That is until the fabric of time shreds
There is then the fall back into oblivion
And I am yet again in the abyss

Norm less absence
Adrift on a sea of indifference
There is no thread to string me together
Neophytes rattle they're banter
Surrealists speculate
And my fall accelerates
Shortly I will be merely splatter

My hope is to swim into the light
To stroke into the origins of time
I believe in the harmonies of the ethereal
I desire to plow into the river of existence
Face first
And here I will feel the resistance and pleasure
Of God

Hand In Hand

The world suggests things are hand in hand
For me they're not
I can see the separation
Identity juxtaposed to identity
Autonomy brushing autonomy
And I know the fool's errand
There is not safety in numbers

When I break down myself
There is even discord
There are even aspects that don't matter
In the synthesis I wonder what does
What is the essence
What is the thread that strings me together
What is responsible for my life

What is this pain of existence
Am I merely strung together to avoid suffering
Is this the cement of my being
When I become ridged in this
Do I atrophy into death
Is life merely a dynamic into absence
What a cosmic joke